On My Becoming Catholic: Excerpts from the journal of a convert 1991-1995

(Author’s note: Recently I learned from members of the Rites of Christian Initiation for Adults team who “brought me in” that they have been using excerpts from journal entries I had between December 1991 and April 1995 when I was confirmed and received first communion on Holy Saturday. Included are footnotes I made in November 1995 and two poems in April and May of 1995 that I also wrote on my Catholic experience. I present them with no editing, exactly as I had them typewritten at the time.)

12/13/91

Studying about the Catholic Church, especially documents on Vatican II and am finding much I cannot agree with. Earlier this week I have been much taken with a book by Thomas Merton on the Catholic faith that I still have not finished. The idealism in the documents seems unreal as well as illogical. In addition, there seems to be many fictions besides.

Fiction #1: Mary, Mother of God, of Christ, was assumed into heaven and she was w/o sin. Where they pull this rabbit from is unknown, except the performer who pulled it was a Pope in the 1950s. The pope in his infallibility along with bishops and cardinals decided that Mary was assumed into heaven, which seems to go against history as well as scripture. Scripture and Tradition seem set against the church, at least, as far as my studies go. And as for her being w/o sin, well, she was no Christ, was she? To say that she never lied, cheated, lusted, anything seems unbelievable. Ideal, if anything.[1]

Fiction #2: We pay for our sins w/punishment. No, Christ’s death didn’t do it, so we must in a state, not a place, called purgatory after we die. Scriptures they use for this are where Moses and Aaron were not allowed to see the Promised Land because of “their sin,” as the Mother Church calls it, of unbelief, of God’s mercy for those who had made the calf. So just as Moses and Aaron have to pay, so also we must pay?!?!

How they make this incredible leap is beyond me. It logically doesn’t follow. It seems they entirely skipped Christ’s death where He took the punishment for our sins upon Himself on the Cross. If he didn’t, then of what use is The Cross? He may as well have lived on to be immortal in The Flesh, which of course, the Catholics already believe in transubstantiation.

This leads to the next great problem: the Catholic Church’s heavy emphasis on the Eucharist. While I respect their liturgy in the Mass and mysticism which they bring to communion, I cannot find the Eucharist to be as important as they claim. From what I have learned, the Eucharist is the focus of their faith. As if you have to have the symbols all the time. Yes, I know they believe that it actually becomes the Body and Blood of Christ, but it doesn’t.

If it becomes the Body & Blood of Christ empirically, then would not we all be in trouble? It wouldn’t taste too great. yet maybe this goes along w/their ideas on suffering. That suffering is necessary in this life. While I admit there is suffering in this life, I don’t think we are meant to embrace it. I believe we should rise above even as we go through it. Maybe I’m the idealist, I don’t know.

12/17/91

While I began this journal decrying my doubts about Catholicism, I still do not know everything I need to know about it. I cannot just expect to pick up a book of Vatican II, containing only some of the documents, and understand the Catholic faith in its entirety or even one iota of Catholic philosophy. To presume as much would be to presume I can understand God completely in this life.

To learn more about Catholicism, I am reading other books by Catholic writers, and just to make sure that I am getting it right, mostly by those with the imprimatur on the front. And mostly post-Vatican II with exceptions such as St. Augustine, St. John of the Cross, others along that line. The book I am reading now is “The Seven Storey Mountain” by Thomas Merton, which was recommended to me by a friend who was just recently confirmed and has been helping me with my questions on the Church.

While I am not nearly two-thirds of the way through this superb book, I am beginning to see things I didn’t before and understand some of which I didn’t understand before. One is that just as with Merton, which is for the present deciding whether or not to become Catholic or not, I am not going to do it by the power of my intellect. A friend wrote to me along similar lines not long ago and I thought how dumb, but now I am beginning, only beginning to see that I am the one who is unenlightened.

Two is that the codified ritual charges against the Church may not be true, i.e. that freedom cannot be found within its structure. Perhaps freedom can be found in ritual, in rigid discipline. That maybe although I find it hard to believe, my idea of freedom is flawed from sitting in too many charismatic church pews, i.e. freedom is not just based on emotion.

Three is that although I have a strong desire to become a priest at this time, perhaps there are other options for me to remain as religious, as committed as a priest without becoming one. Maybe it is just a foolish thought of not wanting to plea a vow of chastity, that I would like to propagate the family name, etc.

Also another point: to discover God doesn’t necessarily mean learning about the Catholic Church. Because any church has its flaw, even one that says is the One empowered by the Holy Spirit. I need to examine why I am looking at the Catholic Church for a truer understanding of God and understand why I am looking there for Him and for myself. Right now it might be because I am looking to join the Church as if that is an end in itself. Not because I see this as a means of getting closer to God, or closer to understand who I am, where I am going, where God wants me to go.[2]

12/25/91

Christmas morning. I went to a Midnight Mass, of course, which I did not partake in,not being united with the Mother Church. A lady at the church gave me a missal and I found some interesting thing in about the Feast of Martyrs. Concerning the prayers of saints. How they do not die with a person, but continue on and on, even so until the end of the world.

I never considered that prayer is not confined to a lifetime. That perhaps we can tap into the prayers of those who have gone before. In fact, it makes faith a little more real, doesn’t it? Not so distant. I guess for me it is nice to know whether I am a saint or not, my prayers will continue on even after death, the same as the saints, popes, etc.

Maybe it’s the historical continuity aspect that I like. The link w/eternity, I like to call it. Spanning the universe truly. Not limited by space or time. An incredible concept to ponder, but those who perform novenas and the like, do they think about it or does it matter as long as they do. Maybe I am too conditioned by the school of “I think, therefore I am.”

1/14/92

Again, my reading turns to Thomas Merton and this time he astounds me, nailing exactly what my reservations are about the Church. In almost the exact wording that I thought it also. Something higher at work here. A force beyond me. The force that causes me to write, compels me onward–yet still my will.[3]

The more I write on this experience, the more it feels right, as if this was meant to be. At times, I wonder if this was meant to be. At times, I wonder if it is brainwashing and if indeed it is , then I accept it. I know today right now that I shall join the Church, this year if possible. Even though, I don’t understand, and in fact partly because I don’t understand, I will join the Church and see where this journey toward God takes me.

1/27/92

Sitting on my desk for a day or two with a number of other books has been a copy of Thomas a Kempis’ “The Imitation of Christ.” I bought it for my mother for her birthday for Christmas a year or two ago, which I do not think she ever read. I once tried to read it, but I found his disdain for the intellect to be despicable. Despite that, I tried it again tonight and discovered a disdain for the intellect was not his point; that a pride of intellect is not as important as the virtue of action was his point.

The more I read of the saints, the more I watch of movies dealing with philosophical questions like “Gandhi,” the more I write on all this, the more I know I am called to the contemplative life. As if this is something special and we all aren’t called to contemplate God? The more I also know of my sins, lies, deceit, drunkenness, lust, the more I know how far yet I have to go before I can know God even in the most miniscule way. I feel that I have much of the head knowledge about God, but none of the heart knowledge — where it makes a difference. As a Kempis says:

Well-ordered learning is not to be belittled, for it is good and comes from God, but a clean conscience and a virtuous life are much better and more to be desired. Because some men study to have learning rather to live well, they err many times and bring forth little good fruit or none. Oh, if they would be as busy to avoid sin and plant virtues in their souls as they are to dispute questions, there would not be so many evil things seen in the world, or so much evil example given to the people, or so much dissolute living in religion. On the day of judgment we will not be asked what we have read, but what we have done; not how well we have discoursed, but how religiously we have lived [emphasis mine].”

I have been able to dispute the big questions with my friends pretty readily. Yet deal with my own life and live what it is that I dispute? Oh, if only I were as busy to avoid sin and plant virtues in my soul as I am to dispute questions.

I have often written in letters to friends the titles of books I have read, as if to impress them with my head knowledge. I have even expounded on some of the theories set forth in these books, to impress them further. Yet act on these theories, act, why, that is another matter altogether. [4]

Dear Father, teach me to act on what I’ve been given. It is too frustrating to carry this around and not live it. That which I perceive with my mind, let my heart perceive also. Help me to learn to serve You better…

1/29/92

Why do I fluctuate so much? One day I believe in God with all my heart, the next day I want to throw off his cross and say “to hell with it.” At night I can write with so much devotion to God, the next day awake to forsake Him.

Questions I still have: Just because it has lasted so long, has persevered, should I bow down to the Holy Mother Church? Can we Christians in the West be so pompous to think that we nothing to learn from the religions of the East?

What was Merton trying to learn from the East before he died? Has anyone from the Church or anywhere else followed his lead? What had he already learned? Or is this all just a blind alley, am I just to believe in Christ as simple as I have always been taught? Am I just side-stepping the issues of my own sins?

12/6/94

This past weekend I was accepted as a catechumen/candidate into the Catholic Church. I’ve decided that from this moment onward, at least until Easter, not the journey ends there, for indeed it only begins, I will keep journal entries concerning the process, my impressions on it. Mainly I want to do this for my future wife and the children we will have together, so that you will your husband/father is coming from. [5]

What do I remember most about my rite of acceptance? The sign of the Cross Father placed on my forehead, the seal of faith, a chrism marking a turning point, that he/she who is marked, is marked for Christ’s sake. I could feel the presence of God, of Christ and the Holy Spirit all in that one symbol marked on my forehead. As if God had reached down His himself and touched me.

I also remember the solemnity of the situation, of one of the altar girl’s expressions, of her chewing on her lip, searching my eyes for my reasons for coming to this point. “I don’t know, it’s not me,” I wanted to whisper to her. Yet I also recall the comforting smile my sponsor gave me when my senses were signed, even though I can’t recall all the exact phrases that went with each sense that was signed. And my eyes turning toward the Blessed Sacrament, my mind wondering if I actually believed in Him, wondering how I could be there with so much sin in my heart? So much doubt. I wanted to kneel but I couldn’t, my knees were shaking. Maybe my knees felt sore because I would not bow…every knee shall bow.

As I write this, Kurt Cobain sings, “All alone is all we are,” and I cannot help but think how wrong he is.

3/29/95

Easter is coming and while usually not that big of a deal for me, this year it is as I am joining the Catholic Church. It seems so odd that I would be at this point after so many years of practicing nothing. Of entering into one of the largest institutions in the world, the Establishment.

What has led me here? Am I blind to the corruption of the last 2,000 years, the Inquisition, the Crusades, etc? Carrying right through up to our time, misappropriation of funds, pedophilia, homosexuality among the priesthood? How can I be blind to such things, how can anyone?

12/17/91

Another thing that I am only beginning to understand is that I have much to learn about the Eucharist. That my Protestant teaching is geared against the idea of transubstantiation, that evil word, that I need to explore what the Eucharist really means, what it has meant over the centuries…that maybe my conception of the Eucharist killing Christ over and over each time the bread is broken is flawed or that it is correct and I am the one who is in need of change. Yes, it would be so much easier to change God to fit my beliefs than for me to change my beliefs for God.[6]

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[1] I now believe that Mary was assumed into heaven and that she was born without sin. As for her being assumed into heaven, I believe because she was the Mother of God himself, that He would take her to heaven, whether before or after she died, the Council and Pope Pius XII never make clear. Because of her affirmative response to the angel, she received the grace of being the first Christian received into heaven. As for her being born without sin, I still do not understand it, but I believe it. The most important thing for me is that it is not because she is a goddess or anything like that, it is because and only through the mercy of God and the graces of Christ that she received such a blessing. And it is not because in order for Jesus to be born without sin, because that would mean that her parents, Joachim and Anna, had to be born without sin and their parents before them and so on and so on, which makes no sense at all. (See also the new “Catechism of the Catholic Church,” “Catholic and Christian” by Alan Schreck, also I have an excellent tape series on Mary from Protestant-turned-Catholic scholar Scott Hahn.)

[2] I remember when coming into the church how I was encouraged by members of the RCIA team that even if I was not called to be a member of the Church, that I was still loved by God and that maybe He didn’t want me to join the Church. Even when I first met Fr. Loch, that is what I was most impressed with: he prayed with me, asking Christ if this was the direction that I was supposed to go that He would help me and even if it wasn’t, that He would still be with me throughout my faith journey. Wherever He leads me.

[3] It wasn’t my will but God’s. My decision, yes, but not my will. It took another four years before I realized that, not in my time, but in His time.

[4] Now I’m going to drop some titles of some books for you, but not to impress you with my head knowledge. I hope instead it will help you in your own faith journey, that you can use this list as an additional resource. These are books that have helped me in my own foundation as a Christian.

1. “The Seven Storey Mountain” by Thomas Merton
2. “The Confessions” by St. Augustine
3. “The Imitation of Christ” by Thomas a Kempis
4. “Peace of Soul” by Fulton Sheen
5. “Catholic and Christian” by Alan Schreck
6. “Meditations before Mass” by Romano Guardini
7. “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis
8. “A Prayer for Owen Meany”by John Irving
9. “Modern Man In Search Of A Soul” by C.G. Jung
10. “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl

Other writers I recommend are Walker Percy, J.R.R. Tolkien, Rainer Maria Rilke, Flannery O’Connor and Gerard Manley Hopkins.

[5] I never did keep journal entries up until Easter as I planned, but at least I did compile this.

[6] Christ died once and for all. He is not recrucified on the altar. I believe that we are entering into that act each time the Mass is celebrated, “remembering” in the truest sense of the word. And how is it the Body & Blood of Christ while it still tastes like bread? Don’t ask me, ask Aquinas and the philosophers. I just believe that it is.
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Meditations Before Mass

– 5/20/95

How the tongue takes in such ultimate good,
yet brings out such transient evil.

Who fathoms the space between psalms, prayers,
really listen to the Great Silence.

The universe ever expands
into a crown not many want to wear,

just pay lipservice to again
and again kneel to icons, stained glass?

Who hears the veil rent, the Heart open,
savors the blood gushing forth,

the flesh breaking, what salvation really means.
The real question, do I?

Confirmation, First Holy Communion

– 4/15/95

Oil fills the scar on my forehead,
full to overflowing.
The hands of the vicar are the shadow
of His wings over me.

Incense surrounds us like a choir
of angels, saints’
prayers before the throne of grace
answered this night.

***

Holy water
jar shatters
behind altar
boy.

Candelabara
flame singes
altar girl’s
hair.

By fire,
by flood,
by blood,
He wings

nearer until
He soars
through your
veins.